I have spent most of my life apologizing for myself.
I don’t know who said it first or who said it loudest; the voices have melded over time into a monotonous chant of criticisms all beginning with the word “too”.
And I have apologized and tried to be less because I know I am fiery, and I know if you brush up against fire, you end up burned. I tried to be less “all or nothing”. Some times I tried to be less to appease others, and some times I tried to be less to give myself a break. It is wearying to love with such intensity, to be a black and white person in a world tinged with gray. And when you throw yourself into things with abandon, with all of your heart, there are no such thing as small mistakes; oh no – when I make a mistake, I go down in a not-so-glorious blaze of glory.
Only recently have I come to realize the high price I have paid for the pursuit of “less than”. At every stage, I have laid down something of my creativity, one piece at a time – first drama, then dance, then instrumental music (I played the flute and saxophone quite well once upon a time), then songwriting, then poetry. A few weeks ago, I found myself contemplating giving up singing, and the throbbing of what my life would be if I muted myself completely unlocked the realization of how hard I have worked to quench my own fire. And how beyond the shadow of a doubt that is NOT who I want to be.
The One Who Sees wove my being together this way. My DNA is threaded with thunder and lightning, flaming fire, roaring rivers, majestic symphonies. My heart dances wildly – sometimes the fierce dance of a warrior, sometimes the seductive dance of a lover, sometimes the yearning dance of a ballerina, sometimes the carefree dance of a thousand fireflies. And in His hands, I am not too much. I daresay, I am an echo of His own passionate heartbeat resonating through the universe.
I declare this heart – my heart – to be holy ground because the Creator of the Universe walks here. And His whispers have come to blow the embers, to wake the sleeping fire in me.
*This is in response to a prompt from Story Sessions. Join us?