Tag Archives: passion

Blowing the Embers

Image Source: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image Source: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have spent most of my life apologizing for myself.

I don’t know who said it first or who said it loudest; the voices have melded over time into a monotonous chant of criticisms all beginning with the word “too”.

Too strong-willed.

Too emotional.

Too ambitious.

Too dramatic.

Too romantic.

Too serious.

Too driven.

Too deep.

Too much.

And I have apologized and tried to be less because I know I am fiery, and I know if you brush up against fire, you end up burned.  I tried to be less “all or nothing”.  Some times I tried to be less to appease others, and some times I tried to be less to give myself a break.  It is wearying to love with such intensity, to be a black and white person in a world tinged with gray.  And when you throw yourself into things with abandon, with all of your heart, there are no such thing as small mistakes; oh no – when I make a mistake, I go down in a not-so-glorious blaze of glory.

Only recently have I come to realize the high price I have paid for the pursuit of “less than”.  At every stage, I have laid down something of my creativity, one piece at a time – first drama, then dance, then instrumental music (I played the flute and saxophone quite well once upon a time), then songwriting, then poetry.  A few weeks ago, I found myself contemplating giving up singing, and the throbbing of what my life would be if I muted myself completely unlocked the realization of how hard I have worked to quench my own fire.  And how beyond the shadow of a doubt that is NOT who I want to be.

The One Who Sees wove my being together this way.  My DNA is threaded with thunder and lightning, flaming fire, roaring rivers, majestic symphonies.   My heart dances wildly – sometimes the fierce dance of a warrior, sometimes the seductive dance of a lover, sometimes the yearning dance of a ballerina, sometimes the carefree dance of a thousand fireflies.  And in His hands, I am not too much.  I daresay, I am an echo of His own passionate heartbeat resonating through the universe.

I declare this heart – my heart – to be holy ground because the Creator of the Universe walks here.  And His whispers have come to blow the embers, to wake the sleeping fire in me.

*This is in response to a prompt from Story Sessions.  Join us?

Advertisement

7 Comments

Filed under Creativity, Music, Passion

Chasing Stories

This week, I am beginning a writing course – Story101.

I haven’t shared this with many people because so far when I have, I’ve been met with concerned stares and well-intentioned  “are you crazy?” responses.  And I know it’s because they genuinely care.  My life is ridiculously busy – two small children, two intensely demanding part-time jobs, ministry within a blossoming church plant, marriage.  Most weeks, I spin like a tornado from Sunday into Saturday, pausing for a few hours (if I’m lucky) to catch my breath before beginning the cycle again.  Why oh why would I add another thing to my plate when I’m already dropping my food every time I try to take a bite?

Because for nearly seven years, I have not done a single thing to take a step towards my passions.  Not. One. Single. Thing.

And I would not go so far as to say the time has been wasted because it hasn’t.  I got married (yes, please).  I gave birth to two precious treasures (and now I know what it is like to hold the world in my arms).  I have stepped through the doors that have opened and as a result, I’ve had my character sharpened, some skills refined.  So, yes, I have done some roundabout things that are undoubtedly important.

But there are two things that unleash a fire in me, that unlock the heart of God to me, that speak of life and love and adventure and mystery waiting.  Two things in which I lose myself and find myself all at once.

Music.  And words.

I should be pursuing the first as well, but I will transparently admit that particular passion has been the source of tremendous wounds that are still gaping and so I can’t.  Not right now.

But words have been churning in me, and I know in my bones it is time to write again.  To write seriously.  To embrace the discipline, the creativity, the vulnerability.

So, do I have time for a writing course?  No, not really.  But this time I am choosing to be crazy rather than to go crazy.  Because I need to create.  I need to stand on tiptoes straining for a glimpse of the eternal.  I need to try and capture with words what words are ultimately hopeless to express.

And I wonder, what is locked up in you that needs to be released?  What is buried under the cluttered layers of ordinary?  What should you tap into your inner crazy for the courage to pursue again?  Don’t go crazy with the wondering of what might have been, with the pent up bottling of passion.

Today is as good a day as any to chase your story.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Creativity, Music, Writing

Reaching for Words

Sometimes you just have to write.  Even if you are not sure what you want to say, still the words beckon you.

To know they are still there.

To feel you are alive.

To try to grasp the eternal before the mundane manages to sweep it away.

To not lose touch with your heart again.

Two short weeks ago, I sat at the symphony, awaiting the performance of a piece I had long loved but never experienced in person. I watched as the stage began to fill with instruments and players and singers, until every available space was filled.  The sheer size of the choir and orchestra in front of me caused my heart to skip a beat.

It was like the anticipation of a first kiss.

And when the timpani and gong pounded their first beat, the voices soared, the instruments sang – I was pulled into a wall of sound with a force that caused my dormant heart to spring to life again.

This is why I must write.  Because with the absence of music and poetry and mesmerizing words, passion slumbers inside me.  And I do not want her to slumber any longer.  I want her to burn.  I want to brush up against the wonder of the eternal, to see something majestic created from dust, for my emptiness to explode with color and sound and motion.

I will reach for the words chasing me, find my voice, find my song, find my heart.

1 Comment

Filed under Creativity, Music, Writing